Bb F My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago Bb F C Yeah, I?ve got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time Bb C Dm C Dm Yeah they rang me up, said ?Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show C Bb F They want you to sing a song, it?ll be fine, fine, fine? Bb F But the problem with my particular ?uvre, Bb F Is that half my songs are five minutes and over. C And the wisdom here at the BBC, C Is that viewers switch off if you go past three, Bb F And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language, Bb F Which causes the viewers untold anguish, C Dm It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved, Bb C F For pussy puns on ?Are You Being Served??. F And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes, C Without no bums or blasphemy in it, Dm Bb C F A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain. F I need a song with a chorus and a verse, C With no nasty-ass cussin? and a-cursin?, Dm And I?m a little too lewd and a little too long, Bb C F I?ve gotta find myself a three-minute song. Bb F And they said, ?Remember boy that music is like love-making C Dm it?s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes. Bb F Remember boy that music is like love-making, C Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit? F So you need a song that only goes for three minutes, C Without no pornography or politics in it, Dm You?re a little verbose and a little bit wrong, Bb C F You?ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song?. F Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute, C With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it, Dm Something for the telly that never, ever fails, Bb C F To appease the viewers of BBC Wales. Dm Bb F And even in the bridge I won?t be lyrically adventurous, Bb F C intellectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious, Dm Bb F And I won?t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese, C C7 For China is a country that can bring me to my knees. Bb F For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina, C C7 Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees. N.C. Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two? Three? Fore-skin F I need a little happy-clappy country song, C Nice and repetitive and not too long, Dm Boring enough, but not too boring, Bb C D With a key change here to prevent me snoring. G I need a song that is only three minutes, D Without no buggery or blasphemy in it, Em Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm, C D Well, if you can?t beat ?em, get conservative with ?em. Instrumental break: G - D - Em - C D G Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense, D To flog more tickets to my concerts, Em By convincing the viewer that musical satire, C Hasn't progressed since Victor Borge, Em C You've got a telly and I want to be in it, D G But apparently you?ll only watch for three minutes. C D G Yeah, apparently you?ll only watch for three?